I know that I enter slippery terrain when talking about this subject, because more than half of the population leaves their children every day in the care of their parentsHowever, I want to do it because it is a reality that has been around for a long time that seems to be becoming a habitual resource and that makes grandparents now live a different kind of life than they lived years ago.
Some time ago our parents took care of us and our grandparents lent a hand, were always willing to cover holes and, in that situation, we all enjoyed. Now instead taking care of grandchildren has become an obligation for more than one and, you know, when something is done by obligation, it loses some charm.
A recent study of the Ministry of Health that 70% of grandparents over 65 take care of their grandchildren and 49% do it daily, for a period of five to six hours. To the minister, this fact seems like a "Social conquest" to the point of proposing that 2012 be declared “European Year of Active Aging and Intergenerational Solidarity”.
Social conquest?
That said it sounds good, however it is just a nice way to say that the system is so deplorable, that when it takes two salaries to live the grandparents have to take care of the children.
In other words, people who have spent their entire lives working from sun to sun to move their family forward, usually with only one salary at home, and who have retired at 65 with homework done, to enjoy, finally, from life, they have to return to have daily obligations that demand not little energy and this we must call social conquest.
I am not a grandfather, obviously, but I have been able to read and listen to the opinion of more than one and, although obviously there is everything, many live with resignation.
But being with the grandchildren is wonderful
Of course, and surely more than one grandfather feels happy and complete being able to act as a daily caregiver. The problem is for those who do not know how to say no and commit themselves to such an extent that their life revolves, once retired, around their children and grandchildren, preparing breakfast, meals and snacks and exercising almost as parents, when their wish would be other.
It is clear that there are as many realities as couples and that there are families in which the presence of grandparents is an invaluable and absolutely necessary asset, but there are many others that transform use into abuse and, honestly, if I ever get to know my grandchildren, I will take care of them as best I can if necessary, but if it is not necessary, I prefer that their parents raise them and I will already dedicate myself to visit them and receive them as many times as I do missing (even daily, if they let me).
When grandfather becomes a father
I said in a previous post that many grandparents enjoy their grandchildren because "I raised your son, but I will spoil my grandson." This relationship of kindness, affection and friendship is priceless. So much that children end up worshiping their grandparents and grandmothers.
However, when they must bear the responsibility of taking care of them without the presence of the parents, for several hours a day, it is clear that grandfather's work suffers, because grandfather must act as a father (or mother's grandmother).
My parents have been taking care of my niece for the first 3 years, until she has entered school. Every day, from 7 in the morning, until about three in the afternoon they have been with her.
In all that time they have seen her start eating, walking, talking and all the progress that any father and grandfather would want to live. However, they have also had to see her cry, get angry, complain, play, break, destroy, disobey and all those things that children do, but that usually end up bothering adults.
In those situations, my father wanted to educate the girl and, on more than one occasion, he sent her to the corner of thinking, left her crying, denied her things so that she could learn that you can't have everything and ultimately have tried to educate her as best she could or knew.
The fact is that for more or less a year, for whatever reason, the girl stopped even approaching her grandfather. I didn't want to see him and, every time I heard him, he hid in my mother's skirts. In fact, he also took fear of me for the simple fact of physically resembling my father.
It is clear that it is an isolated case, but I could see with sorrow how my father lamented at the rejection of that little person, his granddaughter, for whom he would give everything.
As I say, for my grandchildren I will do whatever it takes, but if it can be, let the system allow to be educated by their parents (What enough mental effort do I do now to educate mine the best I can).
Conclusion
The problem is probably basic. The system has changed and needs too. We now have a welfare state greater than our parents and grandparents had, but now we need two salaries to live in many cases, and that makes having children incompatible with professional development.
Then families, and especially women, because they are the ones who create and give birth, must choose between one path or the other, because the system has not adapted to this new reality.
And we do not complain much either, because everyone works, and the child will take care of whoever it is.
I do not want to give a single answer to the question in the post either, because there are several possibilities. Should grandparents take care of our children? Well, if grandparents want and they all agree, yes. But if the grandparents would prefer not to do it, or have another relationship with their grandchildren, different from educating them, there should be the possibility of doing it differently (and don't tell me the nursery school, which I don't know any that is free).
Photos | Flickr - Ornchief, Brian Finifter, N.Y. State of mind
In Babies and more | The older the mother, the greater the grandfather, Spanish grandparents are the ones who spend more time caring for grandchildren, Grandparents babysitter, Children cared for by grandparents are more prone to obesity
