Yesterday we talked about one of the best known decalogues among parents, because it has been online for years, with ten tips to make our children criminals. It is said that it was written by the Seattle Police General Directorate in Washington (USA), although I don't know if it's true.
I have also seen it signed by the well-known juvenile judge Emilio Calatayud, although if he comes from Seattle it will hardly be his responsibility, and that quite matches the language with which this man expresses himself.
The fact is that this decalogue aims to show the ten faults more fathers of parents, which will make our children potential criminals and, as I said yesterday, some of the advice can be nuanced and endowed with content, so that they are not misunderstood and one in particular, which should be part of the decalogue, is not present. After talking about five of these councils, today we will discuss the remaining five and council number eleven, which should be the first and yet has not been mentioned.
6. Always argue in front of him
The sixth council says that parents should always argue in front of the children, so that when the family is broken he makes them see that he doesn't realize.
The truth is that I more or less agree, as long as we talk about a more or less strong discussion, of those whose criticisms are destructive and end up with "broken plates." If instead we talk about discussions or disagreements in which parents maintain composure, but without reaching agreements or trying to reach, then I do not see too much trouble.
In life you have to know how to win and you have to know how to lose, you have to know that sometimes others will agree with you and sometimes they will not, because sometimes you will be right and sometimes you will not.
For children to learn to dialogue and negotiate, to defend their arguments and accept defeat, to see how others give in to their request or to give up when they have to do so, it does not have to be negative to see parents argue (I say, referring to discuss how to make more or less constructive criticism, debate, argue, seek consensus, ...).
7. Give him as much money as he wants
The seventh council says that We have to give our children all the money they want, so they don't suspect that to have something they have to work.
It is not bad advice, although it could be a bit difficult to fulfill (as I said yesterday, not all parents, much less, can give their children all the money they want). In any case, it is not bad that since childhood they know where the things that come into the house come from, what is the meaning of working (“Do you know where dad goes (mom) every day? Do you know what for?”) And how This works to exchange money for food, toys, clothes, electricity, water, etc.
A "honey, this costs a lot of money, we can not buy it," usually works wonders. The important thing is that then we do not come home with something else that costs a lot of money, that apparently we can buy it and that we do not need (I say it is important because we must be consistent with our words).
8. Satisfy all your wishes
In the eighth council we are told that we must satisfy all the desires of our children in eating, drinking, fun, comfort ... or else it will be frustrated.
I don't know very well what they mean by eating, drinking, fun, ... but come on, like everything, by applying a little common sense, it is thrown forward. Children have tastes and preferences like adults, so if we can choose what to eat (if we go to a restaurant, for example), they should be able to choose as well. If at home we have made a dish that they do not like and do not want to eat, every mother who decides.
I do not mind changing a meal for another that you like more, because in fact I do it too (if I don't like the first dish, like little and more of the second, and if I'm at home, directly as what I want like ... I'm not going to cook something I hate, of course).
So if my children tell me that a) they don't like it and that they prefer b), then I give them b), or we prepare a dish a) and one b), which will be the first and second course, offering first a) and when they have tired of looking at it or trying something on their own initiative, they are given b). Anyway, when parents do not place much emphasis on children trying a), when there are no prizes or punishments or when no one has insisted too much, children end up eating a) one day.
In my house, for example, nobody has ever insisted that they eat vegetables and my two children eat vegetables when there is and almost every night a salad. It is not that they eat a lot of vegetables, because in general they eat a small amount of everything (with the crisis it suits us well - just kidding -), but they eat it calmly, without bad faces or feeling pressured, because they know that when they do not They want more they can eat something else. When they are older and know the true properties of vegetables, they will surely eat more of that which is not very good, but that is not so bad either.
With the rest, well the same. Children should be able to choose and choose many things because life is full of choices. and, they have to learn to make their own decisions even at the risk of being wrong. How else are they going to choose the day that is really important to do?
Now, choosing does not have to mean making your parents slaves, because a family cannot revolve around a child (I speak of a child from 3-4 years old, who is already able to ask for what he wants at all times ).
9. Always Reason
The ninth council says that we must always give our son the reason, whether they are teachers, people, the law ... However, I do not believe that this is possible and I do not believe that parents will always give the reason to a child. If it happens, they go wrong, of course. The reason must be given to children when they have it, but when they do not have it, then no. Simple, very simple, is what is done with adults too, isn't it?
10. When it is a disaster, proclaim to the four winds that you have not been able to do anything to avoid it
In conclusion, we are told that when our son is a real disaster, let's say we have done everything possible, but that this child is impossible. So we will throw in the towel and leave the child in the hands of anyone, except ours, so that whatever has to happen happens.
I do not know if it is easy to have a delinquent child or not (perhaps following some of the aforementioned advice we get it, perhaps not), the fact is that parents are parents all their lives and when a child has problematic behaviors, he is demonstrating that, Really, there is a problem. It is our parent's job to try to find that problem and solve it..
If we leave it in the hands of the teachers, if we ignore it or if we do not change what we are making mistakes, it could be that one day we would reach that point of “this child is impossible”, as if he were born like this and we had not had nothing to do
11. Do not create a relationship of trust with your child
Eleven is my complaint to this decalogue. Where the hell is this advice that should go first of all? No this? Well I put it.
If you want your son to be a potential criminal, or if you want him to simply do what he wants, without counting on you, you don't create a relationship of trust with your son. Do not talk to him, let him always play alone, go on vacation without him, rejoice when September arrives and the school starts and let him know explaining it to everyone ("what do I want to start school"), do not ask him for his problems, you do not want to know why he is angry, in fact, do not let him be angry ("already worth nonsense"), do not devote the time he deserves, always tell people, and if it is in front of him, better , how bad he behaves and how difficult it is to live with him, do not pay much attention to him when he calls you and get angry with him when, tired of calling you, do some mischief to pay attention to him, punish him in his room and, if he can be, that is without giving many explanations, use phrases such as "because yes, period" or "because I say so" and so you will get, with all this, that your son away much, much, from you.
So, when he grows up with a huge emotional void, the one you had to fill and never filled, will look for alternatives that quench his thirst for emotions, sometimes coherently and sometimes incoherently, perhaps even dangerously and fiercely, but calmly, you will never find out about the "what" (at least not through his mouth) and much less understand the "why."
Oh, and do not ask yourself why your teenage son does not speak to you, nor why he does not pay attention to you, because the answer will be so clear that you will not know or see it: “I do not listen to you, father and mother, because you never You did it to me. You always had something better to do. There were always things that went before me. Don't come now to play the role of worried parents. ”
