There are many children who do little or no case to parents, that everything seems wrong, who have bad behavior almost defying parents and who end up being lectured, punished, at odds, maybe even stuck and all in order to correct a behavior that parents can be guilty of.
Yes, you read that right. When a child misbehaves much of the blame is ours. I know that most of the advice we receive when a child has bad behavior comes from the child's blame: "Ignore him, ignore him," "sit him in the chair," "take away something he likes and give it when the behavior is appropriate ”, etc., however it is very possible that when he misbehaves, I'm claiming something, but in disguise.
The pure and sincere truth
We like parents, we love it, that our children are sincere, that they don't deceive us, that they tell us the truth. They like that we feel good about them, so if the relationship is correct, if there is trust and everything is going well, they will most likely have no qualms about being honest.
In fact, they are so sincere that they have no problem asking for what they need or think they need: "Mom come!" Or "Dad, let's play!" Invitations that can be accepted by the parents or not, which varies greatly depending on the parents and the circumstances.
If he is the only child in the house, the chances of dad or mom coming are high. However, if dad and mom are of those who think that children have to become independent and autonomous while being alone, they may not always go to or access the children's requests.
If instead there are more brothers at home and therefore more work in general the chances of coming to the call are lower, a fact that can be alleviated if the parents are clear that the children need our support to, precisely, develop and mature, looking for a way to end up spending time for the child who claims us.
All this to say that there are parents who come as soon as they can to be with the children and there are parents who are so busy with other things that they almost never come to the calls, responding with a “I'm coming”, “hope I can't now” , "Then ...", "let me now I'm busy", etc.
Claims in disguise
Children are not stupid, they have difficulty expressing how they feel, but they are not stupid, and that they cannot verbalize the discomfort does not mean they do not feel bad. For them to receive those “you later” responses is like noticing a feeling of emptiness, a lack of importance, of attention from parents, a feeling that seems to show them that they are not always first, or that they never are, in fact.
If this happens rarely children can come to understand the situation. If it happens very often, if they notice that masked rejection (which does not have to be conscious, much less), children end up looking for another way to get the attention they need from their parents. And as by the way of sincerity things do not come out, they try by the way of disguise, of the second, of lies, with disguised claims.
Isn't it true that we adults make up the truths to achieve our purposes? Isn't it true that we hide many things to avoid harming or for our own benefit, because if we always tell the truth and tell too much we feel exposed? As children also learn to play this game, usually behaving badly.
By behaving badly, I mean rebelling, saying no to everything, hitting us when something is wrong, asking for material things as if they were super necessary, entering the game of threats and continuing with the action to see if we are able to comply with them, etc. Everything until the day comes when we say to ourselves: “I can't do more, Why do you behave like this?“.
They are attracting attention
Well, I answer, maybe I am wrong in some cases, because you know, but surely in the vast majority the child is simply calling attention. I know that to say that the child is attracting attention does not have a good press, because after someone says “my son is just bothering, it seems that he is calling my attention” someone responds “well do not pay attention to him and you'll see how he stops doing it. ”
However, a problem is not fixed because we ignore it. The child may stop complaining if we do not really attend to his attention calls, but that is not why he will feel better. He will continue to feel that strange feeling of emptiness that he is not able to explain or express (because if he were, he would verbalize it, but not being so he says it with his actions) and inside everything will remain the same.
But you can also keep complaining and keep calling our attention. Then, and even at the beginning, after asking ourselves “why he behaves like this”, the ideal is not to ignore him, but quite the opposite, pay more attention than ever. Dedicate ourselves as much as we can to be with him, even when he is doing something else (in plan I sit by your side and look at you ... and if you want and invite me to your game, we share this time), take time to talk with him, to tell him how much we love him and how much our life has changed since he arrived (I say that for good), explain frankly that we do not like when he behaves disrespecting us, but that we think he does because we have not been able to serve him as he deserves ... In short, make you feel important in our lives, make you feel understood, as much as it really is for us.
You have to do it, because children need it to not feel alone. It also happens to adults ... "I know you love me, but tell me more often to not forget it." They need to hear it, but above all, above all, they need to feel it, because they are still children and they still move more for emotions than words.
