Shouting does not help us to let off steam (although we believe so), it is also not useful for children to pay more attention, and if that were not enough it can do a lot of damage.
Some of us (maybe many) have been shouted at us, but this is not a justification so that we can do it too, because if we recognize the memories in our memory and explore our emotions, we will be aware of the fear it gives when an adult shouts at you , and we will realize that in fact, it is especially useful for the child to accumulate anger, increasing the chances of repeating that pattern of behavior. 'You have yelled at me again in the middle of the street!' Said the boy, and the mother expressed bewilderment, despair and confusion on her face. I know that we all wake up in the morning believing that we will be better able to control ourselves than the day before, and that nobody wants to harm their children.
However, the line between a loving and patient father or mother, a furious and uncontrolled parent, is not too noticeable at times. I think the problem is that we don't know (or don't want to) anticipate our reactions, to redirect the situation that we believe problematic.
Are there real reasons to have to scream at children?
We shout because we believe that we have repeated enough times to children who do not stick, or because we enter the kitchen and find the milk poured on the floor. But the real motives they are accumulated fatigue, lack of social and community support to raise children healthily, and 'why not say it out loud?', the belief in adults' superiority over children.
Three years ago a study by scientists from the Simmons School of Social Work in Boston (United States), showed us that yelling at a child also leaves signs for life in his personality. In 2003, the Journal of Marriage and Family, a survey was published revealing that 74% of the parents asked had acknowledged that they had been shouted at them more than 25 times during the last year.
'25 times', they are many right? Can you imagine your coworker, your friend, your sister, your yoga teacher…. Screaming more than 25 times in a year? Would you stand it?
But let's forget numbers and statistics: what do you think of a mother screaming at her children in the supermarket? How do you feel when your eldest son yells at the little one in the same way you have done before with him? They say that the important thing is to know how to recognize mistakes and be aware of what we should change, although the truth is that it is also necessary to strive to improve
Here are some strategies to avoid shouting
And this is an important warning: what works for others may not, but let's try to be aware of our reactions, of our ability to remain calm, and try to try different ways of achieving our goal (which is 'stop shouting to interact with children').
A mother tells you that she has read dozens (seriously) of books on education and parenting, and in the end she must invent other forms of relationship with some children she loves, although many times they overflow her.
Radical change: anger decreases when instead of raising our voice we lower it, to the level of a whisper. Not only will it calm us but it will also make the children moderate the tone, and the actions.
'These children need a rest': with young children it is necessary to reschedule the activity they are doing and intervene directly to help them calm down and make everything better. We can leave what we do and bathe them, read them a story, play a game of parcheesi or get into a cool room to get them to listen, collaborate or be more respectful.
Leave: many times I must go to the room to not explode, and nothing happens because I am the one who leaves. There I can think better and decide what I really expect from them, and how I will improve the way I act.
When what we want to ask is very important, we will try to: give short and simple messages, ask them 'when will they do what we ask', approach us to talk to them, maintain physical contact (caress their hair, hold their hands, gently touch their shoulders) to favor your listening
Not be afraid of limits: The issue of 'limits' is very complex to deepen now. But if we have agreed with our children that they would pick up the kitchen before watching television, and they do not, it is time to turn off the device and keep the remote control, for this it is not necessary to despise, shout or get angry.
'Watch for the signal!'When I say 'the volcano has erupted and when we least expect it, the lava will begin to fall from all sides', my children know that I have little endurance. I will strive to calm down, and they will go with more care. Each father and mother decides what signals to send.
From the age of seven or eight it is also possible to tell the child that he is going to the room for a few minutes, it is not necessary to force himself to be locked up. This calms us down.
Singing, using the sense of humor, showering, going outside to give us the air ... are strategies that parents use more or less successfully depending on the mood, the day ...
I still have more to tell you: In many families there are some rules of coexistence (few but all commit to comply): Do not shout, do not hit, do not insult. In this way they regulate each other and help them to be aware of the behavior to change.
The truth is that when we learn to shout less and put it into practice, we become proud of ourselves, and we give children a very important example: a role model.
